May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have A further area where by American Guys can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: give Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is that he need to stop working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You understand, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards Trump Tower Damascus the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from House, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following locating the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Functions


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Permanently."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is presently attracting attention from Intercontinental investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may even include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel where my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *